It's a big day (and which day is not a big day?)
From the midst of my first death lodge day, into which I kind of stumbled through acknowledging the death of a dear being and then continuing doing the death lodge practices in preparation for my vision quest.
I suddenly feel inspired to write.
BEING SEEN
(or that a particular person or loved one needs to see me in order for me to know I exist and that my existence is valid).
I had a very revealing process about my wish to share about my life publicly and the aspects that where lying hidden in my subconscious areas. I've always been - and especially in these past months - a bit suspicious about what my exact motivation was to share from my life on social media. And besides a genuine love for writing, fotography and relating to you and other people, I finally found out what one part was, that I wasn't conscious of and that I was suspiscious of.
I found out, that as a very young child, through the way I experienced life in my family, I actually didn't truly come to the experience and knowing that I existed. And a bit further in, I also wasn’t sure that I had the permission to exist. I know that it’s actually quite common for people to be unsure about that. (That's one part of a few liberating revelations around childhood experiences, where I had developed creative strategies that I still use now - but that aren't really useful for me anymore).
As all of us do - in different ways - I had created different strategies to get the reflection from outside that I actually DO exist (and that I am worthy of existing). And as I've been journeying through this process, and integrating these parts that weren't sure still ... I felt the connection to that part of me that is sharing on social media, which shares in order to get a reflection that she exists. And suddenly this one internal thread that was wanting to share to receive a reflection, was gone.
Now - I do most of the time know that I exist - and I guess during this vision quest time I'll find out even more about this deep knowing and the experience of existing without the need of an outside reflection. I'm feeling a bit more free now to share, but it's still a muddy terrain which bears a lot of opportunities to look behind the scenes of my conscious self. It’s sometimes a bit embarassing (and also funny, in moments, when humor is my friend) that I can find out so much about my patterns through observing my behaviour towards social media.
Part of this whole journey seems to me like I'm in the process of finding my true voice. With less layers of unconscious strategies to manipulate a situation in a way to GET something from outside of myself that feeds my wounded child. But rather to be my own mother and father to those innocent aspects … (I’m drifting into another theme now, sorry it’s a bit messy, because I keep adding words in this post).
I’m dreaming of a world of true meetings of hearts and souls. Where we truly see each other and where we can also see through these patterns.
I'm soon heading out of Australia (as I'm posting this, I'm already Bali), and I'm feeling my heart full of gratitude for ALL that this land has taught me in these past 3 months and that life has taught me in all sorts of ways. I learned also a lot through encounters with incredible human beings and in general: in relationship. To myself, the land, friends, loved ones, family, absence or presence of connection.
Today I read a lot of poetry and so I want to quote Rumi at this point:
If God said,
‘Rumi pay homage to everything that has helped you enter my arms,’
there would not be one experience of my life,
not one thought,
not one feeling,
nor any act,
I would not bow to.
This is how I feel too.
So far it's been a big dying and birthing process into something I don't know yet what it is, but it already tastes like something very simple and rich at the same time.
As I'm leaving, I want to acknowledge once more the country and people and each part of this sacred land where I put my feet or the wheels of my car on ... and every water, the ocean, creeks, lakes and waterfalls, that I met and also went into. Most of the time (when I'm present, then always) I'm in awe of the beauty and power of this land, the living creatures on it, including the world of plants and … the light.
Dear mother Earth and beloved land, I give thanks to your very clear invitations into your arms and very clear boundaries where not to go on the land or in water. This perceived clarity helped me to get deeper in touch with the aliveness, "personality" and also history of the land and people.
I give thanks to all the animals and insects that I've lived very closely with, especially very recently the python that rested for a few days in my temporary home, in the outdoor kitchen, above the sink. I didn't know how that would feel like before and I'm surprised how much I loved, having her there. Her presence felt like one of a guardian and she looked so beautiful to me. I'm starting to feel much more the web of interconnectedness of all living beings around. I'm feeling less separate. Yes also the spiders and bush mites and biting ants, they're all part of our earth family. Sometimes not pleasant these encounters - and the insight: who am I to think I can live in their terrain and not being met and sometimes disturbed by them?
That's it for now.
Just now now ... I'm trying to settle in in Bali.
Last year the transition from Autralia to Bali has also been quite difficult for me. Other than from Germany to Bali. I'll give us time, before I act and change my flight.
By the way, I have deactivated my Instagram account and might do that with FB too. I'm not sure yet. Maybe I’ll switch it on again soon, maybe not. It's just happening moment by moment, this letting go stuff and the exploration around the being visible theme and about sharing and also about containment. I sometimes fantasize about also closing my websites for a while, because also now - I'm again with these mixed feelings about sharing. If I appear and disappear it's just part of the journey. I will appear again. In which ever way! Because even if what I'm going through is a lot of dying - I can feel: what I truly want is BEING ALIVE. Till then ... I'll stay in my washing machine. … and am grateful, that I remembered that I read in my very helpful book Soulcraft, that some people apporaching their vision quest literally feel that they’re going to die. So far I was just smiling at them and these days I have my own version of it. Not that I think I’ll die during the quest. But somewhat soon. I’m glad to know that’s part of the vision quest game.
And if I look at myself and this whole process … it’s so fucking serious and also not. And today I was asking myself again: WHAT AM I DOING HERE? Let’s just jump right back into my old life. But it’s too late. I’m just saving the one life, I can save and that means: moving on and through it. My warrior heart is awake. And for sure there are a lot of tears as well.
Now, I’m feeling, I’m just writing from my heart and it feels very good. I’ll post this now.
Thank you all - incredible allies and incredible fellow human beings.
Blessings into your life and your journey.
I love you.
