Good bye Australia ... and a long sharing about sharing and being seen.

It's a big day (and which day is not a big day?)

From the midst of my first death lodge day, into which I kind of stumbled through acknowledging the death of a dear being and then continuing doing the death lodge practices in preparation for my vision quest.

I suddenly feel inspired to write.

BEING SEEN

(or that a particular person or loved one needs to see me in order for me to know I exist and that my existence is valid).

I had a very revealing process about my wish to share about my life publicly and the aspects that where lying hidden in my subconscious areas. I've always been - and especially in these past months - a bit suspicious about what my exact motivation was to share from my life on social media. And besides a genuine love for writing, fotography and relating to you and other people, I finally found out what one part was, that I wasn't conscious of and that I was suspiscious of.

I found out, that as a very young child, through the way I experienced life in my family, I actually didn't truly come to the experience and knowing that I existed. And a bit further in, I also wasn’t sure that I had the permission to exist. I know that it’s actually quite common for people to be unsure about that. (That's one part of a few liberating revelations around childhood experiences, where I had developed creative strategies that I still use now - but that aren't really useful for me anymore).

As all of us do - in different ways - I had created different strategies to get the reflection from outside that I actually DO exist (and that I am worthy of existing). And as I've been journeying through this process, and integrating these parts that weren't sure still ... I felt the connection to that part of me that is sharing on social media, which shares in order to get a reflection that she exists. And suddenly this one internal thread that was wanting to share to receive a reflection, was gone.

Now - I do most of the time know that I exist - and I guess during this vision quest time I'll find out even more about this deep knowing and the experience of existing without the need of an outside reflection. I'm feeling a bit more free now to share, but it's still a muddy terrain which bears a lot of opportunities to look behind the scenes of my conscious self. It’s sometimes a bit embarassing (and also funny, in moments, when humor is my friend) that I can find out so much about my patterns through observing my behaviour towards social media.

Part of this whole journey seems to me like I'm in the process of finding my true voice. With less layers of unconscious strategies to manipulate a situation in a way to GET something from outside of myself that feeds my wounded child. But rather to be my own mother and father to those innocent aspects … (I’m drifting into another theme now, sorry it’s a bit messy, because I keep adding words in this post).
I’m dreaming of a world of true meetings of hearts and souls. Where we truly see each other and where we can also see through these patterns.

I'm soon heading out of Australia (as I'm posting this, I'm already Bali), and I'm feeling my heart full of gratitude for ALL that this land has taught me in these past 3 months and that life has taught me in all sorts of ways. I learned also a lot through encounters with incredible human beings and in general: in relationship. To myself, the land, friends, loved ones, family, absence or presence of connection.

Today I read a lot of poetry and so I want to quote Rumi at this point:

If God said,
‘Rumi pay homage to everything that has helped you enter my arms,’
there would not be one experience of my life,
not one thought,
not one feeling,
nor any act,
I would not bow to.

This is how I feel too.

So far it's been a big dying and birthing process into something I don't know yet what it is, but it already tastes like something very simple and rich at the same time.

As I'm leaving, I want to acknowledge once more the country and people and each part of this sacred land where I put my feet or the wheels of my car on ... and every water, the ocean, creeks, lakes and waterfalls, that I met and also went into. Most of the time (when I'm present, then always) I'm in awe of the beauty and power of this land, the living creatures on it, including the world of plants and … the light.

Dear mother Earth and beloved land, I give thanks to your very clear invitations into your arms and very clear boundaries where not to go on the land or in water. This perceived clarity helped me to get deeper in touch with the aliveness, "personality" and also history of the land and people.

I give thanks to all the animals and insects that I've lived very closely with, especially very recently the python that rested for a few days in my temporary home, in the outdoor kitchen, above the sink. I didn't know how that would feel like before and I'm surprised how much I loved, having her there. Her presence felt like one of a guardian and she looked so beautiful to me. I'm starting to feel much more the web of interconnectedness of all living beings around. I'm feeling less separate. Yes also the spiders and bush mites and biting ants, they're all part of our earth family. Sometimes not pleasant these encounters - and the insight: who am I to think I can live in their terrain and not being met and sometimes disturbed by them?

That's it for now.

Just now now ... I'm trying to settle in in Bali.

Last year the transition from Autralia to Bali has also been quite difficult for me. Other than from Germany to Bali. I'll give us time, before I act and change my flight.

By the way, I have deactivated my Instagram account and might do that with FB too. I'm not sure yet. Maybe I’ll switch it on again soon, maybe not. It's just happening moment by moment, this letting go stuff and the exploration around the being visible theme and about sharing and also about containment. I sometimes fantasize about also closing my websites for a while, because also now - I'm again with these mixed feelings about sharing. If I appear and disappear it's just part of the journey. I will appear again. In which ever way! Because even if what I'm going through is a lot of dying - I can feel: what I truly want is BEING ALIVE. Till then ... I'll stay in my washing machine. … and am grateful, that I remembered that I read in my very helpful book Soulcraft, that some people apporaching their vision quest literally feel that they’re going to die. So far I was just smiling at them and these days I have my own version of it. Not that I think I’ll die during the quest. But somewhat soon. I’m glad to know that’s part of the vision quest game.

And if I look at myself and this whole process … it’s so fucking serious and also not. And today I was asking myself again: WHAT AM I DOING HERE? Let’s just jump right back into my old life. But it’s too late. I’m just saving the one life, I can save and that means: moving on and through it. My warrior heart is awake. And for sure there are a lot of tears as well.

Now, I’m feeling, I’m just writing from my heart and it feels very good. I’ll post this now.

Thank you all - incredible allies and incredible fellow human beings.
Blessings into your life and your journey.

I love you.

Naked walls

I'm waking up with this dream image
and with my whole body silently vibrating

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I'm entered and filled by you

While being embraced by you

There is nowhere to go

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I have started to very gently accompany dead
and dying parts of my life out of my caves or allow them
to do their own shape shifting work of transformation. I kind of stumbled
into this phase and now it has led to doing the death lodge practices
in preparation for my formal vision quest.
I’m loosening the grip on things and people
I was holding on to and let them be their own
people again. I'm still in the midst of it.
Again and again, in most of the time friendly doses,
the uncomfortable feelings around dying surface from unerneath.

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When I meet them, a wise part of myself is grateful - and sometimes I distract myself from truly feeling what is here. And sometimes I'm just fucking tired and exhausted from moving through all of it (whilst knowing deeply that this is exactly why I’m here and why I’m doing this journey). Having the space and time to not distracting myself from being with myself and facing the empty spaces and the unintegrated places, the void, the deaths, the old woundings, the grief and then also the simple joys (oh yes! Those too!). The preiende “breakthroughs”. And letting the existential questions arise that have been there anyways. Why am I here? I mean: really felt … why? How can I live this life BEING myself, knowing that this dance of feeling will go on till my last breath and that there’s no way around it, only through? Coming and going of people, situations, shared love and presence, letting go again, the transient nature of this game. Never ending thought processes? What is my authentic voice? I’m very tired. I’m very tired of DOING myself. And sometimes I’m so tired that I have moments where there’s no other way than letting go. And I’m facing my resistances towards letting things go and die. I’m surprised about my resistance, it doesn’t match the self image I had. ... maybe at some point I'll share my angry writings too … I guess I will do that soon.

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So back to the topic: Everytime I really am with myself presently: listening … listening … feeling, allowing the sensations to make their way through my body, I feel less divided, more like a whole, strong and raw human being. It’s like little birthing processes.

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I'm sitting with the naked walls
of my caves
I touch them and feel how raw they are
I'm feeling every movement of my own breath from within
almost to much to bear
I even feel my own gaze touching the surface of these raw walls
I am both
I need to be very still to not fill the caves again
not to cover them up with soothing sounds, food, stories or friends.
Not now
And not with a drama party either, which also
helps sometimes to not feel these tender places

which carry
true wisdom

and which carry
the seeds
of a

true life

Descending --- dipping in and out.

So ...

There I was.

Having said good bye to a good friend and then meeting my mentor (http://soulscapes.com.au) on this soul's journey for the first time in person. Sitting with her in the dunes. She had accompanied me already in the past year for two months during this time of transition and this year I‘ll continue seeing her. She is also co-facilitator of the vision quest (the 4 days and 4 nights wilderness fasting) that I will do at the end of March.

There I was. Sitting again with her and with the calling of my soul and the deep dark caves within. Sitting with her always opens the space to really listen to the deeper layers of myself. During this process there was a moment where I felt the longing for the tribe who would understand the kind of journey that I'm at and to have them witness from afar. I literally saw them. And then - from seeing them around me, they moved in. I found them inside of myself. Realizing: THIS I'm facilitating for myself and I have my inner tribe. THIS journey I can only do by myself. And ... there are allies. Yes there are. And they show up in the right moment - and they disappear in the right moment. Allies in form of human beings. And allies from the other than human world ... ancestors, animals, trees, the ocean.

I never felt very drawn towards these (what I thought were) more shamanic symbols like the spirit animals. And now ... reconnecting with my inner wild nature while being out in the wild, this all comes naturally. Being out in the wild, the inner wild nature starts to communicate with the outsideworld. I even collect stones and shells and feathers and go in relationship with them : )

Yes, this is what I do ... and so much more and so much less. Becoming more intimate with myself. Seeing from where I talk and from where I share from, from where I act. And ... for whom and what. Noticing these different qualities. And ... becoming more sensitive to what "the soft animal of my body" (like Mary Oliver says) wants. Where she leads me. Where she feels safe and in the right place and where she doesn’t. And to truly listen to my soul. I'll just call it soul for now.

I'm about to have a place where I can stay quite exposed to nature … in a womb like valley of the Byron Hinterlands. It's a place where a friend of mine did her descent into soul for about one year now and she’s away for a bit. She is about to participate in the big world again ... and it's such a gift to have found her as someone on a similar journey - in her own way - and this place, which will support me to go within. On this - which can only be a solo journey. I also have to say I'm realising that I truly don't know how long this thing will go. Some people are going for years within and some only for months. In any way, I'll let life have its way with me. What else can I do? (It IS scary from time to time and also exhausting - by the way ... and it is the only option - did I mention that before? : ) And the thing is: how am I with my fears, the loneliness and the longings of my soul?

And there is no choice to be made to move on an to move in - and to come home to myelf - even though sometimes I feel "I need a break, this is exhausting" - and I have this image of hanging myself on the clothesline in the sun to dry a bit, before diving into these unpredictable waters again (and I do - I get in touch with people, I take a breath, distract myself from myself ... and then she pulls me back in ... back home). It feels like a deconstruction of Susanne.

And it is not a place (where I used to come from) - where this is a process of fixing myself or to become better at something. Yes, maybe better at being myself. I don’t know. And what ever this would mean anyways. It's not even important. Even though I'm using words here now - the language that I start listening to is more in felt perception and imagery.

I start feeling like ... slowly slowly I'm being on my own life's journey. Like a toddler - on and in my own two feet. With my own heart. Listening.

For whom or what do I live?

A question that - as you too will know deep within - can't be answered from the mind. Yes, we can see the patterns, where we live for our parents still or for an image of God or for the society, we were conditioned by. We can uncover all of these layers. And that can help - it certainly helped me.

And then ... there is the lingering with this question. To let the question do her work. To feel the question, to go in relationship with her and to forget her again.

For whom do I live?

Who am I beyond this "doing my life"?

What am I coming home to, if it's not what I thought it was?

What's the true home whithin?

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I never expected my life to create this inevitable pull into a world that seems right now like a deeper intimacy with my being. My inmost being. My inner caves (they always look like caves, maybe this place within yourself looks different in your imagery). I start noticing differences between mind, heart and soul and how they interact. I'm feeling like a beginner and I know on some levels I am. And on another level it's a big home coming and celebration of - "finally! She is on her way back!". And feeling: I've done that before. As so many many other human beings did and are doing it.

And here, at the beginning of this descent, I’m tasting the taste of loneliness and seeing and doing the distractions from truly being with myself and with ALL that is here - from darkness to light. From fear to the unconditional meeting of all of it ... and these moments of being plugged in. Being part of this big beautiful world. Equal with all of existence. A new form of ‚beautiful‘.

This is where I am now.

I'm hestiant with sharing at the moment (just looking at why I would … and if it’s from a place of a sense of obligation to share about my journey or out of wanting to be validated etc etc.). Just now it feels right and natural, so I’ll share. This blog feels a bit more calm and slow - like my own space - compared with the speed of social media. You are here because you chose to be here. Beautiful to be in touch with you here. In honor for all of our life’s journeys, yours and mine and of all other living beings.

With Love.

Susanne