A Lovestory
(written in 2019 - still deep in my coccon)
I’ve been letting you in, my Love.
Letting you enter me - so deeply.
You were flowing, sinking, exploding,
expanding silently within my being.
And I was giving myself - so spaciously …
New chambers were shaped, caves, places and spaces …
I was completely filled by you - by … what I thought was „you“.
And I was resting within your heart - what I thought was „your heart“.
(was it the expansion of your own
being-filled-by-Love that was communicating with
my space of love - here?)
When you left
all the spaces that had been shaped
through the alchemy of our encounter felt empty.
(Had I even given my heart away?)
And there was a big ache.
So suddenly, so swiftly this nectar of what I thought
was „your“ love - was gone.
So I went on my journey.
Step by step.
looking for a remedy for the aching abandoned spaces within.
Already knowing - nothing … nothing outside of myself would be able to fill those.
I walked through the deserts, the landscapes of my own underworld and psyche.
Turned around every stone, looking into every corner of my inner caves, my heart …
looking into every cell of my body.
(and of course … there was a knowing already … a knowing about the true source …)
Still … I needed to wander, to be quiet, to be in solitude, to have the big and
tiny conversations with the great mystery with the human and the non human world, I learned how to pray and … to listen to my longing very deeply. To become one with it even.
Till there was the inevitable reunion with my soul.
Once she came into me, entered me, once I tasted her, was taken by her,
I saw it was her who was filling these seemingly abandoned spaces. Always.
Now - that I was empty enough, sitting in the (Vision Quest) circle, I was able to see, to perceive:
And I saw she fills these spaces more than the spaces would be able to take … to bear!
And I discovered that deep deep within the core of the core longing
of my being … was this infinite
overflowing wellspring of the substance itself
that fulfills this longing. Always.
Now I’m sitting here
and even within this slight ache within my heart
there is already the medicine
and the knowing
there was never something to cure - to begin with
just something to rediscover within -
which has always been taking care of this heart of mine.
and will always do.
Love itself.
Life itself.
… later I found out that the hugeness of this alchemical process
that had taken place between my Lover and I
was directed by both our longings for reunion with our own souls.
The reunion of myself with my own soul and with life itself.
And only now - can I see - it’s been crucial for my journey home to be left so radically and to feel this great pain of this sudden emptiness. To be able to become truly intimate with this deep longing that’s been living inside me all along…
and to go on this journey of finding fulfillment within.
Of course now I can see it was grace (and a part of me knew it all along the way) - but my human heart and mind and body had to go through big aches and pains. Being cracked open in this particular way.
This story seems to me like a very common story for us humans.