Into the wild unknown
For now I can only say:
I’m leaving a lot of things and places and people and structures behind.
Identities and suits. To be with what is left.
Why am I here?
How can I serve best?
Love,
Su
On Change (before leaving home 2018)
Wisdom reveals herself through the nature of change.
Truth reveals herself through the nature of change.
When I’m able to see the ever changing nature of this existence ~ what is there still to learn?
On a certain level, learning happens by itself. We can’t „make“ the learning stay with us in an embodied way. What we can do, is creating the receptivity for embodied learning through the calming of our nervous systems. Through creating an (inner and outer) environment where fear and anxiety softens and where opening is allowed to happen.
We can explore our tendencies around giving and receiving. We can understand psychologically and mentally our strategies to trying to be safe in this world and understand when they get in the way of the underlying deeper voice of our soul that wants to express herself through us.
And we can experience within our bodies the pathways that keep us from allowing life to live freely through us (and when I say this I’m aware that life is also living through us when we are tense and holding on and when we feel stuck. This is also always life doing its thing).
What I mean with „allowing life to flow freely through us“ - and I know you know your version of it: When we are aligned with time, when we are at peace with what ever condition is showing in the body, when we are aware that we are already plugged into existence and that every breath and dancing joint in our bodies and every sensory perception is here, showing our aliveness. That we are here, doing what we are doing. In this body in this infinite openness of this moment. With all that’s here: thoughts, emotions, feelings, sensations.
Already embraced.
And it doesn’t matter if I still try to hold things in place and hold on to things and situations - or if I’m having my hands open, seeing the coming and going of butterfly-like appearences.
There is one truth of your existence, where you are already whole and free. And yes, there are these layers and layers of patterns and habits, the little and the big traumas within our nervous systems, stored within the fabric of our bodies and there are things and jobs and children and family and friends (by the way they are all at the core level made from the same source, so maybe that supports the process of softening the heart) and our whole beautifully messy humanness.
And that’s where we dance, expand, contract, flourish, radiate, create, destroy again, that’s where life dances us. Creation living her life through us. I can only say … when I started taking lessons in AT about 20 years ago, something within me was touched. It was, as if the truth of the freedom that I am, was aligning with my abandoned and neglected human body. And through these little cracks and expansions, I got the glimpse of how true it felt to be living in harmony with my body. Not only the light came in - at times it was overwhelming what was challenged by this so gentle appearing method of getting in touch with oneself.
Constructs of my mind, manifested as certain ways of being in my body, where suddenly not true anymore. What was true then? The fluidity of this existence became appearant and from within, all the questions started surfacing. Still coming from a concept of „not being enough“ I started to dive into the waters of my emotions studying and doing Gestalttherapy. And more layers - that I didn’t know where holding myself tightly in certain images about myself - surfaced. And I started looking beyond my concepts about myself (this all sounds so linear, I can tell you this was and is quite a nonlinear wild ride. The most I learned bout myself was probably through my intimate relationship at that time).
And I was still searching from a point of „I’m not quite right, I need to get it, I need to be better at working on myself …” etc. And then I came to this point where I didn’t know how to deal with issues in my relationships anymore and besides my Gestalt therapy, I came across various teachers and books that all gave me bits and pieces to unserstand and hints how to feel what was happing.
Someone who was and still is very helpful, when it comes to embodiment, intimacy and relationsships is Michaela Boehm. Happy to be learning with her. I highly recommend reading her book.
However - what do I want to say?
I’m in the midst of all of it. Life. Strong emotions, strong bodily sensations, sometimes a very strong mind.
And what has changed is (and it is a process that is seemingly revealing more and more layers): The urge to „get it“ (be it the lesson from situations that look as if they really don’t make sense or what ever is here to „get“). That I’m truly whole and that I don’t need to succeed in anything to be worthy living on this earth (I have the feeling that this one is going to be challenged, when I will really physically leave Berlin and my work place).
That there is no rush to get somewhere (even though it sometimes strongly feels like there is).
That I’m just right, the way I am. That it is a joy to create and live from a place of inner abundance.
This is me on the 3rd of September 2018.
Probably to be updated some time soon.
I love you
Su
