Dear one.
In this long article I’m pondering about:
How we actually cannot truly experience new things from our familiar internal places and I’ll speak about doorways that are available to us, through which we can potentially find ourselves in new, yet unknown places … and I’ll ponder about how our phones might often be more interesting to us … than our ourselves, our connectedness and our aliveness …
:::
What happens … for example … when we step out of our familiar life … out of that environment, which is somehow known to us, and … into 4 days and nights of being in the forest, fasting from many things familiar to us - especially from distractions? Maybe to then get in touch with the most thing familiar - with ourselves, with our big ancient home and that, which we’re made of. Maybe.
And … getting in touch with … who we are (and everyone needs to find out for themselves what that means) - and also of course being confronted with all the freak-outs of those parts in us, which just can’t deal with just being where we are and who we are. As you might guess: … I’m refering here to a formal so called Vision Quest. But let’s step back a little and look at the territory around such an endeavour.
When I look at my story, again and again I find moments of „accidently“ experiencing and also intentionally going into spaces where - I’m finding myself in the unknown. In some place beside or beyond the familiar. I assume, that you’ve had these kinds of experiences - accidently or intentionally in your life too. If you like, take a moment, to remember … what was that? What happened? Those experiences can be very confusing and all sorts of things - but they’re always expanding the horizon in some way ... when we’ve made it to the “other side”.
For me: a very strong unintended experience was this: when I was for the first time in my life in a quite undomesticated natural area - I could see from there (from the outside of my purposeful, free and creative city life) in what kind of beautifully crafted cage I‘ve been living in. Seeing and feeling from a place outside from what I thought my life was all about … Through this enounter with a raw, pulsing, flowing extremely powerful form of life … water, trees, ancient rocks - I was actually shocked by how much my self image seemed to be distorted … or just … incomplete. I was definitely less free and spacious than I thought I was.
Nature became a ruthless mirror for me on this journey. And fortunately I knew from the years of Alexander work, that this is a phenomenon, which can be quite shocking: to think that something is a certain way in the body - only to see that it’s actually not true, in the face of a mirror. But on this level, I was again in awe and - shocked as I said, how convincing certain things can be, whilst we are swimming within the familiarity of them.
And then - another example - … only when I was for weeks without my phone and in nature, I experienced the strange limitations of this “advanced” technological thing, when I held it in my hands again. After training my awareness outside the walls, to perceive the more subtle realms, sensing frequencies of this bushland … my phone felt so dense and somehow “oldschool”. As I’m writing about it, I also find remarkable that being without a phone for a while is something special these days.
And then … only from my 6 weeks alone in a forest hut last year in the dark german winter time (also without screens and electricity), I learnt profoundly about my hidden fears and also experienced a letting go of my striving to “letting go and find myself”. Only to then again find myself in a formerly unknown place … where I was actually met by this unknown something I had been longing for. And of course, also here - all these exeriences during this quest were different to anything that I could have imagined from my familiar place.
And yes, my experiences with formal Vision Questing but also all the unintentional uprooting events in form of loss and pain along the way, the ecstasy of encountering a deep love and then an incredible heart break, threw me into unknown internal and external terrain as well. As these things do. I guess, know your versions of those events … And my journey was to allow those experiences to have their way with me … as fully as possible … to really be present with myself, experiencing all this … as many moments as possible and allow them to show me new places and ways of being and of belonging. Belonging to something bigger. Something more ancient and very internal yet deeply connected with the Earth.
But before that big journey of questing (and also now, when I’m not super wakeful) I usually swam. I swam in things and ways of living which I didn‘t even know how to question them. Or that there was something to question in the first place. (And I’m talking about questioning my personal life and journey for now, which of course is interconnected with the world. - That a lot of things happening in the world are to be questioned is probably obvious). Most of the things I was pursuing seemed good and right. I had created a life with beautiful, meaningful work and close and inspiring friends. and So what was there to question regarding my life? ... what to look for? Even though I was always looking for something deeper and freer … but … within a certain familiar swimming pool. As I said - the big shake up for me - happened in the Australian bushland. There was an accidental experience outside of my comfortable swimming pool. Speaking of something truly unknown for me … yet feeling so deeply like home …
And after those experiences the true Quest begins, as they say. Maybe a bit like when F. M. Alexander realized that he was the one creating his problems with his voice (probably a shocking insight) and then started looking into the mirrors and … stayed there for 10 years ... at first not knowing what to actually look for ... he just knew … something what he was doing to himself, caused damage … but what was it?
… and in my life there came this point, this feeling of ... „something isn‘t quite right anymore“ - strongly brought on by this almost electric stream of peacefulness from under my feet in the Blue Mountains / Australia … yes this … pushed me on my way. And the orchestration of life brought everything I needed to follow this thread. In unpleasant and in incredible ways. Asking me to leap. To leave home - in order to find out … and the journey happened to be much longer than expected.
But hey! isn‘t that feeling of “not quite right” also (unfortunately) normal in the world we live in? And how often do we not start changing something about it? How used are we actually to everything that is “wrong"? And with “wrong” I mean = doing things and supporting things that are doing harm to ourselves, to other humans, to the planet itself and our non human brothers and sisters of our Earth family.
::: In what way are we numb to our impact?
There is also a bodily equivalent to this numbing down. To this adaptation to what we actually know is wrong, is doing harm … From all those years of working with the Alexander Technique I know how easily our bodies don’t notice anymore, when we misuse them. And how normal that then feels. Our almost permanently contracted ribcages and tightened torsos.
This capability to adapt - and to not feel the strain and the pain anymore - has obviously two sides to it. It lets us keeping on going, when we really need to. But: do we always need to keeping on going? Not feeling the collective pain and the silent cry of the fish that’s suffering from what we do to our waters (etc). And when we - with more sensitivity - we would actually support the wholeness of the world and this sensitivity and maybe refusal to adapt, would let us actually pause and reconsider our next action.
And so one question could be: What do I actually do want to adapted to and become used to? Or … what am I already adapted to, that I don’t want to be adapted to? It can become in some way normal to not feel and sense the wrongness of our actions or non-actions anymore. Towards ourselves and any kind of Other. Do I want that? Do we, as a species want to be numb, paralysed, desensitized?
And … well … if you are connected with spiritual concepts - there is this area, where you could say “you need to work with your reactions to this and that” … and “it’s all about how you react to things” - and of course this is such an important part of taking ownership of one’s life. But this concept can also be mis-used as a way of spiritual bypassing when there is actually something going on and going wrong, where we need to say “stop” or “no” - but we don’t … because “it’s only our reaction, which causes the pain in us”. Well … there are distinctions to be made, I think. Discernment …
Then ... another story from my life (we’re getting closer to the digital theme now): is my relationship to Facebook. At some point something alarming happened within my body and mind, when a new dear friend of mine wasn’t on Social Media! ... „how does she survive without it?“ „is she fully human then?“ oooouuuhhh truly alarming! I literally had a fear response imagining FB would not be in my life anymore at that time. But I was not yet able to let go of this for me addictive and also in some ways beautiful thing … (now I’ve been off being active on FB for more than a year, looking into it every 3 months maybe, so I still have an account. And with not looking into that, I’m still feeling like fully human (maybe even more …) and as full member of the Earth community (maybe even more …), even without checking FB every day. And, you know, the alarming thing for me was more my sense of having merged with this digital platform thing and thinking I can’t live without it and am not fully human then. Almost embarassing to say that.
One year later (now, at the beginning of 2021) I went off Whatsapp and again I was confronted with themes of belonging. Do I still belong to my family, when I‘m not on this platform anymore? When I leave this and that group chat?
And … yes … I do still belong. … where the true belonging takes place. Also I found quite alarming the bodily sense of being unhealthily glued to an App and my phone which in my experience can almost replace and can let me forget about the real life contact and connection. And at the same time, I’m so super grateful for the technology that allows me to talk to dearest friends on the other side of the globe. And be in touch with them. As always … it’s so much about how we use those things!
I‘ve already had a long journey with „who am I without this and that“ (physically, like home, things, work, … but also my identifications with identities, job, place, etc.) ... and then more and more levels of noticing the unhealthy attachments to what is considered as „normal“ in our western culture, but which is obviously not in support of the well-being of Earth and all her beings - including humans.
But also I was more and more in touch then with what I experience as interconnectedness with all things and beings. I was more and more in touch with what I experienced as healthy structures of support and connection and with seeming miracles that happened out of the blue, when least expected and most needed. Especially after being back in my home country and without any of my old structures, except for my connections. This experience of already being plugged in - to our big web of life happened once more in this place of detachment from my former identities. This experience is so much bigger than any description or definition that I could possibly have of myself - as in: being a fixed identity.
How do you experience your place in the world? Is it a fixed thing? Is it a fluid experience?
Maybe it’s time for a moment of pausing … and listening to you heart … how is your heart?
How are you feeling within your body?
When you’re ready … let’s get back to talking about our phones … and our relationships with them. If you’re not in some way addicted to checking your phone too much, you can probably just stopp reading here and enjoy your freedom : )
I did have a very unhealthy attachment to my phone. In some ways I still do, but much much less so. So for a long while, my phone (!) was the last thing I said good night to and the first thing I would say good morning to.
Can you relate? And do you find that “normal”? Well …
Just slowing down for a moment ... what does THAT actually mean, if we do that and if we think it’s “normal”? And since I’ve been familiar with other addictive behaviours in my life and accompanying others through addictive tendencies … I knew I also had to inquire into what was I not wanting to experience and what was I actually longing for?
What was I looking for? What was I distracting myself from? What was so much more important while reaching to my phone, than experiencing the miracle of waking up or falling asleep … and feeling myself, my body … alive … and as life?
I personally knew for a long while that my longing was actually for something different than looking into a tiny shiny screen, being disembodied and sucked into a world outside of my home and away from Earth. I know there is a longing for the fluidity of life, for myself, the natural world, the multidimensional moment, the sounds and textures and scents of the natural world … and experiencing all this through and with my body (instead of being sucked into the digital realms and out of my body).
And at the same time: I was not being able to stop that habit or that addiction. I found it very hard … as with all things, that I’ve been addicted to.
But then … suddenly I was able to stop. And I received a very great gift. Immediately … “ah - this is how I feel, how this moment feels”. In the evening. In the morning. My body, this moment. I am - and this is - a much more exciting experience than my phone! And my longing to wake up closer to nature, was a bit more fulfilled, as I connected with myself as a part of nature.
And yes, I‘ve had other phases of being without phone and screen, so I know how that is and can be! In the bush or during my 40 days and at mother times. So I had already tasted the beauty and freedom and joy of being myself, and being plugged into nature … without this pull towards phone and this feeling of my skin being somehow perforated through the strange form of availability that comes with a phone and wifi and notifications.
Does that resonate with you? Do you have experiences like that? Do you feel free with and from the phone checking addiction?
I guess these are many threads I just started weaving but my main point here might be - a very known one. Articulated by Einstein like this: “You can never solve a problem on the level on which it was created.”
So … how to find ourselves in a different place to the known one?
I think it’s time for a break now … you can continue reading and listening to the second half of this exploration: here …
With so much Love
Susanne