So ...
There I was.
Having said good bye to a good friend and then meeting my mentor (http://soulscapes.com.au) on this soul's journey for the first time in person. Sitting with her in the dunes. She had accompanied me already in the past year for two months during this time of transition and this year I‘ll continue seeing her. She is also co-facilitator of the vision quest (the 4 days and 4 nights wilderness fasting) that I will do at the end of March.
There I was. Sitting again with her and with the calling of my soul and the deep dark caves within. Sitting with her always opens the space to really listen to the deeper layers of myself. During this process there was a moment where I felt the longing for the tribe who would understand the kind of journey that I'm at and to have them witness from afar. I literally saw them. And then - from seeing them around me, they moved in. I found them inside of myself. Realizing: THIS I'm facilitating for myself and I have my inner tribe. THIS journey I can only do by myself. And ... there are allies. Yes there are. And they show up in the right moment - and they disappear in the right moment. Allies in form of human beings. And allies from the other than human world ... ancestors, animals, trees, the ocean.
I never felt very drawn towards these (what I thought were) more shamanic symbols like the spirit animals. And now ... reconnecting with my inner wild nature while being out in the wild, this all comes naturally. Being out in the wild, the inner wild nature starts to communicate with the outsideworld. I even collect stones and shells and feathers and go in relationship with them : )
Yes, this is what I do ... and so much more and so much less. Becoming more intimate with myself. Seeing from where I talk and from where I share from, from where I act. And ... for whom and what. Noticing these different qualities. And ... becoming more sensitive to what "the soft animal of my body" (like Mary Oliver says) wants. Where she leads me. Where she feels safe and in the right place and where she doesn’t. And to truly listen to my soul. I'll just call it soul for now.
I'm about to have a place where I can stay quite exposed to nature … in a womb like valley of the Byron Hinterlands. It's a place where a friend of mine did her descent into soul for about one year now and she’s away for a bit. She is about to participate in the big world again ... and it's such a gift to have found her as someone on a similar journey - in her own way - and this place, which will support me to go within. On this - which can only be a solo journey. I also have to say I'm realising that I truly don't know how long this thing will go. Some people are going for years within and some only for months. In any way, I'll let life have its way with me. What else can I do? (It IS scary from time to time and also exhausting - by the way ... and it is the only option - did I mention that before? : ) And the thing is: how am I with my fears, the loneliness and the longings of my soul?
And there is no choice to be made to move on an to move in - and to come home to myelf - even though sometimes I feel "I need a break, this is exhausting" - and I have this image of hanging myself on the clothesline in the sun to dry a bit, before diving into these unpredictable waters again (and I do - I get in touch with people, I take a breath, distract myself from myself ... and then she pulls me back in ... back home). It feels like a deconstruction of Susanne.
And it is not a place (where I used to come from) - where this is a process of fixing myself or to become better at something. Yes, maybe better at being myself. I don’t know. And what ever this would mean anyways. It's not even important. Even though I'm using words here now - the language that I start listening to is more in felt perception and imagery.
I start feeling like ... slowly slowly I'm being on my own life's journey. Like a toddler - on and in my own two feet. With my own heart. Listening.
For whom or what do I live?
A question that - as you too will know deep within - can't be answered from the mind. Yes, we can see the patterns, where we live for our parents still or for an image of God or for the society, we were conditioned by. We can uncover all of these layers. And that can help - it certainly helped me.
And then ... there is the lingering with this question. To let the question do her work. To feel the question, to go in relationship with her and to forget her again.
For whom do I live?
Who am I beyond this "doing my life"?
What am I coming home to, if it's not what I thought it was?
What's the true home whithin?
***
I never expected my life to create this inevitable pull into a world that seems right now like a deeper intimacy with my being. My inmost being. My inner caves (they always look like caves, maybe this place within yourself looks different in your imagery). I start noticing differences between mind, heart and soul and how they interact. I'm feeling like a beginner and I know on some levels I am. And on another level it's a big home coming and celebration of - "finally! She is on her way back!". And feeling: I've done that before. As so many many other human beings did and are doing it.
And here, at the beginning of this descent, I’m tasting the taste of loneliness and seeing and doing the distractions from truly being with myself and with ALL that is here - from darkness to light. From fear to the unconditional meeting of all of it ... and these moments of being plugged in. Being part of this big beautiful world. Equal with all of existence. A new form of ‚beautiful‘.
This is where I am now.
I'm hestiant with sharing at the moment (just looking at why I would … and if it’s from a place of a sense of obligation to share about my journey or out of wanting to be validated etc etc.). Just now it feels right and natural, so I’ll share. This blog feels a bit more calm and slow - like my own space - compared with the speed of social media. You are here because you chose to be here. Beautiful to be in touch with you here. In honor for all of our life’s journeys, yours and mine and of all other living beings.
With Love.
Susanne